Hey there
friends!
Long time no see… we hope you missed us J cause we certainly did! Sorry we don’t have time to
blog anymore but know that we will always come back from time to time with
things that concern us, you, the globe… you know!
Soooo…. Let’s
talk about “baggage” and NO… we don’t mean the baggage you pack for that trip
you planned for so long, or the business meeting you have next week…
Prattle: I’m going on a trip!?!?!
Yay!! Oh, damn..we’re talking
about feeeeeeelings.
Scuttlebutt: Yes my dear… We are talking about EMOTIONAL baggage…
First of
all, let’s see what emotional baggage is!
Wikipedia:
“…Emotional baggage can
be defined as 'Painful memories, mistrust and hurt carried around from past
sexual or emotional rejection”
How can we understand if
we do carry emotional baggage around?
1.
You're projecting. Those with baggage can oftentimes be riddled with self-doubt. What makes
this self-doubt even worse is that, as you see the worst in yourself, you also
begin assuming the same of others.
2.
You're paranoid. We don't blame you for being a bit suspicious about infidelity, especially if
you've been burned in the past. But in order for a relationship to work, you
have to trust each other. If you don't fully trust him—or even if you do, and
are just being cautious—your paranoia can manifest itself in some extremely
unattractive ways: clinginess, neediness, breaches in privacy...
3.
You're comparing him to
lovers past. This goes beyond simple
paranoia. It's more subtle and insidious. If you see him smile in a certain
way—or utter a certain phrase—and you immediately think of your abusive
ex-boyfriend, or that immature idiot you rebounded with, or that unfortunate
one-night stand, you're letting your past drag you unnecessarily down.
4.
You're throwing up walls. In order to fully commit to each other, you should also know each other
pretty darn well. Holding back on emotions, or reliving painful events from the
past in ways that affect your present, can keep a relationship stagnant. So ask
yourself: what have you been keeping from him, and why? Chances are, he can
tell you're hiding something, and we're sure he'd rather hear about it than be
stonewalled.
5.
You're holding back from
commitment. OK. So commitment-phobes
are everywhere, and
some of them aren't carrying an ounce of baggage. But in many cases, the fear
of tying oneself down can be indicative of a deeper problem. If you're not
giving any of your relationships half a chance, it's time to do some soul-searching. Does any of this ring
a bell to you?
The “Walking Wounded”
Let’s see
what a man’s magazine has to say about this…
Prattle: Do we have to??
Scuttlebutt: Um… we don’t really “have” to but some would say we
should look at if from that angle as well…
“…these
women are still reeling from a nasty break-up or a recent negative experience
with a man; sometimes the hurt is worse -- the aftermath of abuse.”
“…they live
in worlds of chaotic emotion where logic has no place. The best of them need
time to heal and regain their equilibrium and trust; the worst are experts at
self-deceit and self-sabotage, often absolutely blind to their behavior and its
consequences on their lives.”
1- She's on emotional roller coaster
One day
she's your best friend, the next she won't even speak to you; one night she's a
sexual animal, the next she's as cold as January in Siberia. And all -- from
your point of view -- for no apparent reason.
2- She constantly evades you
With women
like this, it's always one step forward and 10 steps back. She will show
interest -- even extreme interest -- and then suddenly and inexplicably become
unavailable. No matter what you do, no matter how often you call her, she's
gone -- and you won't see her again for weeks or even months.
Then out of
the blue, she'll reappear with a big smile on her face, ready to go. And the
whole vicious circle will start all over again, leaving you perplexed and
bewildered.
Scutllebutt: May I say that this (see point 2. above) behavior is
absolutely reminding me of … *cough* the very recent ex? Hey ex! Do you read
me?? If you do… you might as well deal with YOUR baggage as well… over and out!
Prattle: Drop the baggage…move it move it!!
Don’t make every guy you date into *points to your comment* him.
Scuttlebutt: *drops the baggage and kicks it*
3- She wants what she can't have
She reacts
emotionally to the hurt in her past. She has all the normal biological urges to
be with a man, and genuinely wants to have a successful relationship, but the
very second her emotions are aroused, the lurking demon of her buried hurt
rears its ugly head and she runs away.
In her
psychology, relationships equate pain. The sad fact is, the nicer you are, the
faster she'll run. This is why many of the Walking Wounded seek out emotionally
unavailable men.
4- She doesn't do as she says
She'll tell
you she loves you and wants to do everything in her power to make sure the
relationship lasts. Then she'll start treating you like crap. She'll tell you
she's wants a commitment, then she'll cheat on you.
Don't take
her at her word; instead look at her actions and judge her on that instead.
Prattle: No. 4 sounds like several guys I dated in the past..
Scuttlebutt: I know, right??
5- She's angry at men
Many of the
Walking Wounded are extremely angry at men. They blame us for all their
problems. Men are "jerks" and "users." They will
deliberately get a man sexually aroused and then walk away, just to punish him
for owning a penis.
6- She has a history of abuse
Untreated
victims of any kind of abuse are
often emotionally unstable and harbor lots of inner pain, which manifests
itself in their romantic lives. The Walking Wounded are frighteningly erratic
(often through no fault of their own) -- you just never know what you're going
to get. One minute they love you and the next they're picking fights or
screaming at you for some imagined transgression on your part.
They are
often unsoundly jealous, and will accuse you of having affairs without any
evidence. Sometimes they're overly sexual, but many times they're not sexual at
all, or certain sexual behaviors remind them of the abuse, making them freak
out during lovemaking. These are women in dire need of professional therapy.
Is there hope?
Is there
anything you can do to help a member of the Walking Wounded and establish a
successful relationship? It really depends on the severity of the damage.
First, throw
logic out the window -- it just won't work. You have to find a way to reach her
at an emotional level.
Listen
carefully to her when she expresses her feelings -- the Walking Wounded will
often verbalize a lot of information about what's happening inside their heads.
Be careful not to interrupt her with logical advice -- it's best to be a
sympathetic ear.
If her case
is mild, time will be your ally -- just treat her kindly and build up her
wounded self-esteem. Be patient. What she needs is to learn how to trust men
again.
If her case
is severe, gently steer her towards getting some therapy -- the damage is
sometimes very deep and there's just no other way to help her.
Bottom line: is she worth it?
Above all,
keep it in your pants for a while and be willing to be her friend. Give her
some space and emotional breathing room. This is not say you should turn into a
wussy-boy eunuch and cater to her whims -- she might not be ready to be sexual
with you yet, but she needs every ounce of your male strength and sexuality to
lean on.
And make
sure you don't take any abuse from her -- set those limits early on and often
because she'll test you mercilessly.
Only you can
decide if she's worth the time and trouble. If she is, you're probably in for a
wild roller-coaster ride. But if you can help her to get her life back, there
may be a great reward for your constancy and friendship.
So… what the
heck can you do about it?
Step one:
Identify blind spots
This step
requires complete honesty, a willingness to dig deep and a trusted friend
(other than your partner or spouse) or therapist/counselor. Openly face your
issues. Whatever it is, you must be able, willing and ready to face it head on.
Step two: Stop
the blame game.
It’s so much
easier to go through life blaming our problems on mom and dad, an older brother
or the girl/guy who broke our heart. But eventually you have to take
responsibility for your life, your actions and your emotions. The blame game
doesn’t change anything. And this includes blaming yourself. If you are stuck
in this cycle—snap out of it! Your life
will never get better and you will never move forward until you break the blame
chain.
Step three:
Forgive
It is
crucial that you reach a point where you can truly let go of the hurt that you
have experienced. “No matter how violent it was, how deep it was, how prolonged
it was, no matter how much affect there’s been on your life, if you do not
extend forgiveness, you are the person stuck with the bitterness and revenge,”
said Dr. Dave Currie, National Director of Family Life Canada. “A bitter person
cannot effectively love others. Letting go is not easy and a person may not
deserve it and may not even ask for it, but you should extend forgiveness
because of what it will do for you.”
Again, this includes forgiving yourself if needed.
Scuttlebutt: Um… I’m sorry but I don’t see any similarity in all
that and my behavior! Do you???
Prattle: Well…I think all of us at some point react some of the ways
described. Mostly I want you to read and
reread the last sentence of Step three..
*hugs you*
Scuttlebutt: Oh… *sighs and hugs back* I know… I know… and so
should YOU all my friends… so should WE all.
Sources:
Wikipedia, Your Tango, Ask Men, Two Of Us
